4 Journal Entries: Regret, Crushes, Friends, Money
Below are four journal entries that I’ve written that give a little insight into some of the concerns I’ve had recently and things that I want to work on. Hopefully you find some inspiration or camaraderie in the words below. Names have been changed so as to protect their privacy.
An Early October Morning
Fell into a bit of a funk after a short talk I gave for my short film at a film festival yesterday evening. I was at work, but I was able to jump in and share a synopsis of my short film before I got pulled away.
Next time I feel it would’ve been good if I let my manager know I need to step away for a minute.
I do this thing where I minimize the importance of certain events and things in relation to me and pump up how important things like work are as an excuse to not focus on myself
This is a delusion and is linked to ego.
Another delusion was that as I spoke, I felt I wasn’t important enough and that the moderator and panelists weren’t that interested in me. I played down how much I actually did want to share about the film.
In other news, I’m trying to find a moment to chat up Nora. I want to see if there’s a casual way I can find out if she’s single. Overheard something about a boyfriend the other day when she was chatting with Lauren and I could feel myself get a little sad.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from meditation, spiritual retreats, and other self-help practices, is that this rotating cycle of emotions in and of themselves do not represent my own value.
That I’m moving through one of the six worlds (Zen buddhism) and that it is all transient. By not attaching too much of myself to these vicissitudes of emotion, I can stay more grounded, stable.
Not to say emotion is a terrible thing: happiness, joy, pain, sadness…I think it’s just important not to be too weighed down and reactive to them.
One time I got into an emotional funk after missing an event at a Japanese film and art festival in Japantown. Even though later that night I got to meet up with my friends, I could still feel the regret weighing on me.
Years later, I don’t remember the artists (a girl group?) that I missed and find it a bit humorous that I was so down because of something so trivial in hindsight. Remembering that, whenever I feel regret, like the ones mentioned above, it helps me put into perspective that I may be having an emotional reaction that should not be taken so seriously and may be a bit obsessive compulsive.
Late November Midnight
Been over a month since my last entry. I’ve moved on from Nora (found out she’s got a bf), finished this gig I was working on, and now I’m home for Thanksgiving (after testing negative for COVID).
Been decompressing and also been busy seeing friends and family.
Early December Morning
New habit I’ve started: watching an Asian Boss video of a Japanese memory champion, he mentions two memory techniques that spoke to me: 1) Remembering the events of the day before, 2) Recalling the events in a film after watching it.
Each day now I review what happened yesterday in my mind. I feel it gives me confidence in remembering past events and it also makes me catch certain tasks that still need to be addressed. It also gives me awareness of how I spend my time.
Have a COVID compliance officer gig tomorrow. Pays good. Prepped most of the day yesterday getting personal protective equipment.
Signed back up for a dating app yesterday while I was in line for my COVID test. Some attractive women. I also hit on a woman at the park, asked her if the park was open (it was obviously under construction), how her pandemic was (ok), and that I found her attractive and if she wanted to get coffee sometime (thank you but no thanks).
I also wanted to chat with a woman at Target, but as I walked near her, it felt creepy but at the same time I wanted to say hi. And then I saw she was with her sister and her sister’s boyfriend so missed that chance. Lesson: just go for it. Starting with a compliment usually helps. Same thing happened at the coffee shop the other day, I asked a woman to watch my stuff but I actually was attracted to her. Once I came back out of the shop and thanked her, she grabbed her drink and bounced and I missed my chance.
This “all or nothing” idea, something I’m learning from the Feeling Good podcast is detrimental. The timing will never be “perfect.”
Talked with Sean for 2 hours towards the end of my drive from the bay to LA. We chatted about shopping behavior, traditionalism vs adapting to the market, Dave Chappelle’s stand up style how it evolved to something only he does (monologues), parenting (if it’s not your kid, you don’t have a say), manners (warming someone up in a conversation before an ask), personal mission/vision statement, our relationships with our fathers.
Been a while since we really connected. It’s something I hold in high value.
Mid December Morning
Busy rewriting a script.
I’m writing it again word for word, referencing the last completed draft that I sent to Sharon. Gonna send it to Jason today, he says he might have a connection.
Started looking at Mandarin programs again last night as well as Japanese language programs to look into.
Saw a TikTok yesterday of a young woman who made $1 million by the time she was 19 years old by doing a bunch of side hustles and investing her money. In a comment she said she saved 70% of all her income. I think that’s impressive and inspired me to also work more, put money away, and figure out how I can become financially independent.
It’s all about the freedom, she says, not the money. She didn’t really change her lifestyle after becoming rich.
As for dating, I’m going back into some patterns of neediness and checking the app often. If it becomes a bit much, I may ease out of it again. For now, I do like the feeling of connecting with attractive women in my area.
